“Nobody Girl” by Ryan Adams which clocks in at 9:40.

How many different Ryan Adams have you seen?

Probably almost as many Ryan Adams as there are Ryan Adams albums. Off the top of my head, there’s the shaggy, flannel-clad troubador, the shaggy, leather-clad nogoodnik, the shaggy, bespectacled poet, the shaggy, hungover dude with a cast on his hand, and even the styled and groomed VH1 hearthrob. Now granted, these assorted looks cannot even approach the chameleon wardrobes a certain Sir Rocket Man has built over the years, neither in sheer breadth nor originality. Ry Ry’s looks are but variations of a single theme, a mix and match of boho chic, feigned angst, meth-addled lumberjack, and morning-after regret.

And what is this overlying theme?

Behold, the head scratch:

Almost entirely without fail, regardless of location background, hairstyle, sobriety or wardrobe, Ryan Adams poses with one hand scratching his head. It’s enough of a given when looking at his photos that EAR FARM hereby recognizes the studied casual act of one hand scratching imaginary lice as “Ryan’s Pose”. Dude OWNS it:

So, in quasi-pursuit of some sort of enlightenment from this revelation, we must ask just what the hell this means? Does Ryan Adams have head lice or is there a less tangible explanation for his insistence on fondling his follicles?

Can’t it be both? Can you really look at the picture below and tell me that there’s not an entire civilization of parasites living in that nest?

Of course, this isn’t an official press photo. Had it been, we could probably count on him dropping the guitar strummed just off-frame here and attacking that mop with both nicotine-stained mitts. But that doesn’t make complete sense. There’s obviously something else going on here, but what is it? Why oh why does he feel compelled to scratch his dome when the flash goes off?

Well, isn’t it just another calculated attempt at being casual? A visual cue no different from the ripped cardigans, tattered flannels, and stubble that says “Oh, I didn’t see you there, I just got out of bed and you caught me off guard. I’m confused, I’m vulnerable, and i’m clearly NOT posing (pay no attention to the professional lighting, makeup, or props)”?

According to body language experts, the nonverbal cue of scratching one’s head manages to simultaneously convey evaluation and interest, doubt, suspicion, and secretiveness. Don’t those components make for a kickass press photo? There he is ladies, evaluating and taking an active interest in you while coping with his own self-doubt. Oh and go easy on him, as he’s a bit suspicious because he’s been hurt before and this vulnerability makes him secretive too. The son of a bitch just batted a thousand on the tortured singer-songwriter checklist by simply scratching his head. Say what you will about Ryan Adams, but this guy knows his market, and he clearly knows how to sell himself to said market. I’ve heard that with each scratch of his locks, a Midwestern sorority girl gets her wings.

So the template has been set. Who else dares walk in the shadow of a giant?

Not bad Wentz. But it looks more like you’re either recovering from whiplash or doing a one-armed air pushup. And you don’t even look secretive or suspicious, just pissed off. Next please.

Nick Nick Nick Nick. What are we going to do with you? Do you have a headache? It’s not head trauma guys, it’s a simple scratch of the head. And this is far too studied and posed, The original “Ryan’s Pose” at least fosters the appearance of being spontaneous and taken aback. You just look like the bedroom door hit your forehead on the way out from seeing your ex-wife with this guy:

Coincidentally, he’s also better at “Ryan’s Pose” than Nick too. Though the setting here belies the seeming casualness of the headscratch, it’s almost a bit too perfect. Did he just happen to see a sectional sofa chained to a fire hydrant in front of a liquor store and decide it would be cool and spontaneous to plop down and scratch his head? Dubious, Mayer. Here’s the thing, you and Wentz and Lachey are all too pampered, nobody buys that you’re suspicious and secretive and tortured. Too many US Weekly candids and E! shout-outs no doubt. Perhaps you should all take a cue from someone who flies a bit below the radar….

Without a doubt, this is the best appropriation of “Ryan’s Pose” we’ve come across. This just looks natural even though M. Ward is staring down the camera. In effect, he’s breaking down the entire forced casualness of posing for a press photo by acknowledging the absurdity of it. There’s almost something simian about this pose, like he’s nearly done grooming himself and just popped the last of his head lice in his lower lip, whereby he’ll work into a fine cud before regurgitating it to Conor Oberst and Jim James. This is almost next level “Ryan’s Pose”. The good news is that Ryan Adams should have another album completed by the time you’re finish reading this, so we’ll have a whole new variation on the pose to analyze and compare. Watch your back Ward, because the original (head scratchin’) gangster’s coming for you soon enough.

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