We’ve gotta hand it to 2008, so far so good. Since January, we’ve come across some fairly amazing albums, and with new releases from Deerhoof, Of Montreal, The Cure and many others on the horizon ( and not even mentioning the Walkmen’s amazing new You & Me, kinda sorta unofficially released last week), the rest of the year seems just as strong, right?

Well, not so fast. While browsing through a few upcoming release calendars, we’ve come across our fair share of land mines lurking in the cabbage patch. Buyer beware!

To help you navigate the glut of new releases, we’ve identified five common trends that we sure as hell are steering clear of….consider it our field guide for avoiding the worst of what 2008 has yet to offer.

Trend #5: The Return of 1999 - (cue A-Team voice-over) “In 1999, a crack series of nu-metal rap-rock bands should have been sent to dollar bins by a discerning public for terrible records they committed. These bands promptly escaped from maximum critical scrutiny to the Ozzfest underground. Today, still wanted by grumpy suburban teens, they survive as shitty major-label dinosaurs. If you have no taste, if no one else can offer music, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The 1999 Team.”

Staind - The Illusion of Progress - Release Date: 8/19/08. We’re guessing the album title reflects their career arc?

Uncle Kracker - Happy Hour - Release Date: TBA 2008. According to the Kracker himself, this album’s been shelved and delayed for a frustratingly long period though is now being targeted for a late 2008 release. Gee whiz Kracker, could any of those delays possibly have had something to do with those pesky sexual assault charges you can’t seem to shake?

Linkin Park - Title TBA – Release Date: TBA 2008. Last week, the Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre $20 million to stay permanently retired and stop bothering them. Do you think Linkin Park would go for a similar deal if EAR FARM started a fundraiser?

Trend #4: Ho Ho Holiday! - Last year Josh Groban carried the music industry on his back for an admirable stretch of weeks on the strength of his massively successful Christmas album. Who will step up to the plate this year? Translation: whose limp and uninspired butcherings of Christmas “standards” will we have to endure emanating from every storefront where there’s a speaker system and cash register? Among the frontrunners….

Faith Hill - Joy to the World - Release Date: 9/16/08. Is the “Joy” this album title references the same kind of “joy” on display here?

Sixpence None The Richer - The Dawn of Grace (Xmas album) - Release Date: 10/14/08. Let me take a crack at the lyrics: “Kisssss meeeee, under the milky mistletoe” (repeat x400)

Trend #3: The Anglo-Sackless “Rock” Invasion - These four albums could provide the entire soundtrack for the next seven seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. Hell, we can’t even summon appropriate responses to these groups; their music is THAT bland and unappealing. So let’s just pull random quotes from the bands themselves, yes?

Keane - Perfect Symmetry – Release Date: October 08. Asked about the new album, band member Tim Rice-Oxley actually admitted the following: “The more tasteless and uncool we can make our music the better, and that only when you lose the fear of breaking the unwritten rules of musical etiquette can you make a really great album.” You beat us to the punchline there, Timmy.

The Feeling - Join With Us – Release Date: TBA 2008. Apparently this album already came out in the UK back in February but has yet to rear its head stateside. So instead of having one of the band members talk about it, let’s get more of a “man on the street” review from an eager UK blogger who wrote about it the day it came out: “There are definately some promising tracks here and after a few listens, it’s definately growing on me.” Guess what? You definitely spell “definitely” incorrectly. Oh and I’m sure the album definitely sucks too. 

Starsailor - All The Plans - Release Date: 2008. Singer James Walsh told the Manchester Evening News back in September, “We’ve tried to write classic songs, work the sounds around them, instead of experimenting too much.” Can you even begin to fathom how boring this album will be when the boring frontman from the boring band himself admits that they have no interest in broadening their boring sound? Boring!

David Gray - Title TBA – Release Date: Fall 2008. Gray recently spoke of his producer’s role on the album, stating, “It allowed me to think purely about the music, to have somebody to help me realize some things. He brought a lot more out of me.” And by “recently spoke”, we mean we just found that quote from an article published three years ago in which he was referring to his previous album. But I mean come on, does it really matter? Will there be any difference between that one and whatever comes out this fall?

Trend #2: The Completely Unnecessary Solo Album - It’s bad enough that the dudes listed below continue to haunt us from the relative confines of their respective bands, but now they’ve apparently gone ahead and determined their alleged “artistic vision” demands its own soapbox from which to wail, moan, thrash, posture, and make you forget about Korn. And if that’s not bad enough, we’ve got a solo album due from the bald guy from Staind in early 2009….

Noel Gallagher - Title TBA – Release Date: TBA 2008. Okay, so if every Oasis song ever recorded is a blatant ripoff of The Beatles, can we just go ahead and conclude that every song on this album will be a blatant ripoff of either Wings or the Plastic Ono Band?

Brian “Head” Welch (guitarist dude from Korn) - Save Me From Myself – Release Date: 9/9/08. Like the forthcoming Staind record, the title of this one kinda says it all….

Tom Morello - The Fabled City - Release Date: 9/30/08. Let’s get this straight: Morello is perhaps THE most overrated guitarist of the last 20 years. Recommended if you enjoy the sound of records scratching….made by (gasp) a guitar instead of a turntable!

Ace Frehley - Title TBA - Release Date: TBA 2008. Really?

Trend #1: We’ll Believe It When We See/Hear It - Remember the end of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards when Axl Rose appeared and just the sight of him out there in public inspired momentary confidence that Chinese Democracy’s own unveiling would be just around the corner? And then remember a year later when the same exact thing happened with a ridiculously chiseled Dr. Dre promising the world that his long-awaited record Detox was coming soon? Call it the Curse of the VMAs; both albums are waaaay overdue, both albums are once-again slated for release before the end of 2008, and both albums are in no way hitting the streets before the ball drops on 2009. But go ahead, you try telling muscleman Dre that…

And of course, you know where we stand on Chinese Democracy, right?