Metallica’s ninth studio album, Death Magnetic, has “officially” been out for little over a week, but what a week it was. Awarded a degree of media attention that could only have been eclipsed by Jesus coming back to release The Second Coming: A Hip Hopera via iTunes, Death Magnetic has grabbed far more headlines than your average run of the mill chart-topping, Rick-Rubin-produced comeback metal album probably ever should. From Jessica Simpson to Mrs. Sarkozy, foot-long beards to fine wines, it’s Metallica’s world…we’re just reading the headlines. So for this week’s countdown, we’re running back the top ten Metallica-related stories that dominated the week that was (with a keen eye towards avoiding any “magnetic” puns wherever possible).
10. MRS. SARKOZY MEETS METALLICA - Less a “story” and more the premise of a Saturday Night Live sketch, France’s First Lady Carla Bruni Sarkozy hung out with Metallica last week as both performed head to head on Later….with Jools Holland . This is worthy of inclusion as a top ten storyline for the above picture of them mugging it up together and the following description of Sarkozy’s reaction to Metallica: “when the Californians started up their great grinding power chords, Mme Sarkozy clapped excitedly and did a sort of Italian grocery heiress’s version of headbanging.”
Tres awesome.
9. COLLEGE NEWSPAPERS = BAD HEADLINES - Whether they loathed Death Magnetic or felt a magnetic pull towards it (shit, no magnetism puns, sorry), wince-inducing headlines abounded among various college news outlets. There just seems to be something about Metallica that invites bad puns and lousy headline writing, perhaps even more than the words “Jacko”, “Osama” and “A-Rod” do for the New York Post copy department. Samples include:
“Metallica’s sound aged like fine wine for new album” (Arizona Daily Wildcat)
“Metallica is dying out, literally” (The Daily O’Collegian)
“St. Anger never happened” (UWeekly of Ohio State University)
8. THREE-FOURTHS OF METALLICA STILL GOOD FOR RIDICULOUS SOUNDBITES - Ever since Metallica emerged from the whole Napster fiasco in 2001 looking like supremely self-absorbed divas, they’ve showed remarkable persistence in upholding this earned perception. It’s as if they get more and more out of touch with reality with each passing year. Among the headline gold:
“Metallica’s Kirk Hammett: I Was Ready To Go Solo After ‘St. Anger’” (Gigwise). We all know Hammett was pissed that he didn’t get to rip more solos on St. Anger, but this is like a little kid saying he doesn’t want to play cowboys and Indians anymore because he’s not getting his turn at being the cowboy.
“Metallica Desperate For New Bands” (Showbiz Spy). This is where Lars Ulrich mouths off about wishing there were more young bands out there able to keep up with them. As he puts it here, “I hope somebody will come and steal the thunder from us. It hasn’t happened yet.”
“Metallica Frontman urges YouTube ban” (Digital Spy). In which Hetfield yelled at the crowd at the O2 Arena in London for trying to tape their show on their mobile phones, saying “put the fucking cameras away, put the phones away!”
Now, what about new bassist Rob Trujillo? I don’t think they let him talk so no choice soundbites from him unfortunately.
7. DR. PHIL SPEAKS! - No, not THAT Dr. Phil, but a recognizable Dr. Phil – to anyone who saw Some Kind of Monster - nonetheless. The Wayward Blog had the wonderful idea of interviewing Metallica’s former “performance coach” – and Cosby sweater enthusiast - Dr. Phil Towle and get his reaction to Death Magnetic. According to Towle, the album is great and continues to build upon the ongoing Lars/James relationship he describes as a modern “love story”. Oh and the cover art may or may not be a vagina.
6. THE NOTORIOUS SWEDISH EDITOR ALSO SPEAKS! - Perhaps the best subplot to emerge from all the Death Magnetic hysteria has been in the form of mysterious Swedish Metallica fan Hench and his ability to drive the band absolutely batshit. Apparently, this mohawk’d musician fancied himself a Nordic Danger Mouse and went about taking Death Magnetic and splicing out repeating sections and riffs in order to produce his own streamlined version, which he then illegally distributed. His defense is priceless:
“I just wanted a new album by Metallica that I could listen to without getting irritated by some lame lyrics or ploddy riffs that go nowhere for three minutes before turning into something cool. The original version of Death Magnetic is the best thing that they’ve done since …And Justice For All, but it ain’t great. My version is great.” (WIRED)
I love this guy. As if that weren’t enough, Hench has also implored the band to download two of his own albums and edit them however they see fit as a form of retribution. You’ve gotta hand it to him, this guy knows PR.
5. THE PRESS COUCHES METALLICA’S SUCCESS IN ODD TERMS – Lost amidst Hench’s mohawk and Lars’ megalomania is the impressive fact that Death Magnetic did in fact top the charts in its first week of release – a shortened three-day week at that, as it was released on a Friday – by selling 490,000 copies. Far more impressive is the fact that this is their fifth album to debut at number one, a feat that NO ONE (including the Beatles) has ever accomplished before. Of course, leave it to the press to completely butcher, obfuscate, and miss the point when choosing headlines to announce such an accomplishment:
“Metallica Deathly For Jessica Simpson” (E! Online). Wow, they’re really burying the lead on this one, aren’t they?
“Metallica Sells A Couple Records So Far” (93X.com). An especially incredible and understated headline given the usual bluster and hyperbole favored by the press.
4. DEATH MAGNETIC, THE PRODUCT; METALLICA, THE BRAND - San Francisco-based design studio Turner Duckworth, the firm responsible for breathing new life into Coca-Cola, worked closely with Metallica in designing the “is it a coffin, is it a doorway, is it a vagina?” cover art and packaging for Death Magnetic. Creativity Online ran a piece titled “Branding Metallica” in which they discussed this seemingly odd partnership with both David Turner and Bruce Duckworth. The piece was absolutely fascinating; the title alone reveals why. Here is a trade magazine describing the process of making an album not in terms such as “artistic” and “creative” but rather “the product” and “branding”. It’s both a depressing and eye-opening read, the crux of which was, “hey we made Coke seem cool again, so Metallica hired us to do the same thing for their brand!” Oh, and in case you’re wondering, both this article and a similar one in Brandweek emphasize the main difference between Metallica and Turner Duckworth’s other clients is that Metallica holds more meetings on private jets. Gross.
3. SORRY BOYS, YOU’RE JUST TOO DARN LOUD - Speaking of Death Magnetic as “product”, Metallica “the brand” seemed to be making a very shrewd decision by having career-resuscitator Rick Rubin lend his production skills – and cultural cache – to the project. Having already done wonders in helping Jonny Cash and Neil Diamond rediscover the basic integrity of their early sound (and cash in mightily in the process), Rubin was a sure bet to help Metallica revisit their metal roots and reap similar rewards.
The consensus is that he accomplished this goal; the only problem is the album sounds like shit. According to an article in The Guardian the head engineer behind the album, Ted Jensen, is publicly grumbling about the terrible sound quality of the tracks Rubin delivered to him, saying that they were “brickwalled” to the point of excessive clipping and distortion in order to sound as loud as possible. Loud? Yes. Good? Apparently not. Which brings us to our next storyline….
2. GUITAR HEROGATE - This seems to be getting the most attention, and for good reason. The idea that a band that once stood in such fierce opposition to technological progress in the music industry (cough cough Napster again) has willingly allowed a VIDEO GAME version of their album to sonically obliterate the actual compressed-to-shit real version is incredible to me.
As the story goes, mastering engineer Ian Shepherd did audio analysis on the real version of Death Magnetic and the one that’s available on the new version of Guitar Hero and reported that fans would be far better off bootlegging audio from the videogame than listening to the actual album because the Guitar Hero version is less compressed and offers considerably more dynamic range. Ooh and aahh over the following visual proof:
1. THE SHAVE HEARD ROUND THE WORLD: 12 INCH DEATH MAGNETIC BEARD - There are varying levels of fandom. Would you camp overnight to get tickets to see your favorite band live? Yes? Would you consider getting a band-themed tattoo somewhere on your body as a form of tribute? Maybe? Really? Wow, well would you grow a foot-long beard to protest the lack of a new album from your favorite band, vowing not to touch it until said album sees the light of day? Yeah, didn’t think so. But Mick Cassidy did do it, and there’s no shortage of stories detailing it:
“Metallica Fan Finally Shaves 12 Inch ‘Death Magnetic’ Beard” (Gigwise)
“Metallica fan Mick Cassidy refused to shave until band released latest album” (Telegraph)
“Metallica fan finally shaves beard after five-year album wait” (NME)
And here’s the man himself….
Good thing for Mick he isn’t a Guns N’ Roses fan….
