“Chinese Whisperers” by Wilderness which clocks in at 8:07.

Whisperers, i.e. those who whisper. They just seem so conspiratorial, the way they hiss each hushed bulletin without proof, confidence, or even the dramatic flair necessary to deliver a good old-fashioned knockout punch. Whisperers are usually not to be trusted. If their inaudible conspiracies were facts, they wouldn’t have to whisper, right?

Unless of course, these whisperers all started whispering the same thing. Now that would be interesting, like something out of a horror movie, or at the very least the scene in What Women Want when Mel Gibson flips out in the park upon first realizing he can hear women’s thoughts. In this case, substitute Chinese Whisperers for women’s thoughts and myself for Mel Gibson and you’ve got yourself one of the enduring (albeit minor) storylines of my 2008. See, the Chinese Whisperers all had a message, and it would only grow louder and more fervent as the year progressed. And yet, I refused to believe. Or even budge. So, their Chinese whispers soon turned into apocryphal chants….

“Chinese Democracy…it’s….coming! Noooooovember 23rd, fare theee well!”

And still I didn’t believe. But you know what? The Chinese Whisperers – these harbingers of a perma-delayed artifact hearkening back to the 20th century’s narcissistic conclusion – they were right! It is here; it has taken 14 years but Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is actually here. Well, almost. As you are certainly well past aware, Best Buy will be lining their shelves with the album starting this Sunday; lest you forget, they even have a dramatic countdown timer on their site. You know what that means, right? When it ticks down to zero, all the whispers, all the rumors, all the conjecture and criticism, all will be snuffed out. Because regardless of how good or bad the album turns out to be, at least Axl Rose finally finished it.

I’m sill having a hard time believing, yet I desperately would like to hitch a ride on the road to acceptance. So, I suppose the first step is a personal retraction; this isn’t in recognition of some Dr. Pepper-sized retribution coming my way but rather the acknowledgement that I publicly lost faith. Nearly a year ago, I wrote a piece explaining why I felt Chinese Democracy would never see the light of day. The odds just felt stacked against it; there were too many cooks in the kitchen, expectations had spiraled madly out of control, Axl had seemingly gone off the deep end, and it just seemed certain that time would swallow the album whole. It wasn’t meant to be, plain and simple. At the end of the piece, I even went so far as to write, “if this album is ever released, will anybody give a shit?”

I was wrong, I now know this mainly because of how much I do in fact give a shit. Don’t you get it? Chinese Democracy is real, there’s a Best Buy countdown timer to prove it. This means that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Anything is possible. That is my own Chinese Democracy whisper, my mantra, my conviction.

David Fricke, staunch defender of Rolling Stone’s old guard, has his own four-star Chinese Democracy whisper with regards to one W. Axl Rose:

“To him, the long march to Chinese Democracy was not about paranoia and control. It was about saying “I won’t” when everyone else insisted, “You must.” You may debate whether any rock record is worth that extreme self-indulgence. Actually, the most rock & roll thing about Chinese Democracy is he doesn’t care if you do.”

Elsewhere, Miley Cyrus may not have her own Chinese Democracy whisper leading up to this Sunday, but it’s worth noting that the album’s release date is also her birthday. And this year, that translates to the mother of all super sweet sixteen jams, which she will be celebrating by shutting down Disneyworld to use it as her own personal playground. Who’s to say she won’t pipe “Shackler’s Revenge” into Magic Mountain’s soundsystem, or at least take a detour to Epcot and dump out a sip from her 40 in tribute to Axl?

Hell, even those trampled under the enormity and madness of Chinese Democracy have their own benevolent Chinese whispers. Brian May, guitarist for Queen and contributor during some of the recording sessions, apparently didn’t receive any credit in the album’s liner notes. Responding to this slight, a zen-like May wrote on his blog,

“Well, it is a shame, perhaps … I did put quite a lot of work in, and was proud of it. But I could understand if Axl wants to have an album which reflects the work of the members of the band as it is, right now. I do have mixes of the tracks with my guitar on, work tapes at the time, but they will remain private, out of respect for Axl.”

However, it has to be Izzy Stradlin - Rose’s sidekick since even before Slash - and his Chinese Democracy whisper that should be heard the clearest. The man is a borderline soothsayer, having penned the Use Your Illusion II song “14 Years” only to have it become ridiculously prophetic in retrospect. Let’s take it from the third verse:

“Bullshit and contemplation / Gossip’s their trade / If they knew half the real truth What would they say / Well I’m past the point of concern / It’s time to play / These last 4 years of madness / Sure put me straight / Don’t get back 14 years / In just one day / So hard to keep my own head / Just go away / You know…just like a hooker she said / Nothin’s for free / Oh I tried to see it your way / I tried to see it your way”

It’s as though Stradlin knew all along; the story is all there. The album took 14 years to make, during which people had their bouts of “bullshit contemplation” and gossiping. But, as Fricke also noted earlier, Rose didn’t care. He pushed onwards, realizing he couldn’t get all those 14 years back at once but that releasing the album would at least put him in the right direction. Shit, even the whole file-leaking episode is recounted here with the hooker simile at the end. Ain’t nothing free, especially when you try and steal from Axl.

History tells us Stradlin wrote this song about his lifelong (err, fourteen year) friendship with Rose, but the future may tell us something altogether different. 1994-2008. Fourteen years of Chinese Whisperers finally proven right. Oh, unless you’re Bon Jovi.

Buy (K)no(w)here HERE.

*image from HERE

EAR FARM’s 8+ is a weekly feature that showcases songs longer than 8 minutes. Click HERE to see the songs recently featured in EF’s 8+.

Who’s hot? Why?! Back in the day, EAR FARM used to check in with the Elbo.ws top 10 ‘hot’ artists on a weekly basis. Then we realized these charts didn’t fluctuate enough to warrant doing so every week and then we got lazy and stopped checking in over at Elbo.ws at all. Well, we’re back baby! Back to get a better idea of what the rest of the music blog world is talking about, which should give EAR FARM a chance to feature artists that everyone else is listening to who might not exactly be our “thing”. But maybe some of these bands/musicians are your thing right?

Either way: fire up those colortinis; this joint ’bout to blow up.

• Kanye West - “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,” says Sir Kanye. I guess this generation loves flatly sung melodies and vocoders à la Cher 1998…

  Listen: “Bad News” (Radio Rip) (originally from HERE)

• Fleet Foxes - what do you want me to say? Sure they’re overly-popular in this insular world we’re all a part of - this year’s Tapes ‘n Tapes - but rightfully so. There’s too much knee jerk hatred out there for Fleet Foxes, but why? Punish them because they’ve found a sound that combines bits of Arcade Fire, Grizzly Bear, and CSNY? Nah, not me. They’re actually pretty good.

  Listen: “White Winter Hymnal” (originally from HERE)

• Chromeo - between Fancy Footwork and She’s In Control, Chromeo have made some of the most danceable records of the past five years. You wouldn’t necessarily know that by reading EAR FARM, however, as they’ve received very little attention here. Doesn’t mean we don’t love them though! Freals. In fact, here’s what I’m going to do today: jam out to the remix of “100%” that’s posted below on repeat while singing along into a baguette as if it were a microphone, all the while eating escargot like they’re popcorn as Breathless plays in the background on mute. You too?! Nice. Hey, did you know that David Macklovitch from Chromeo teaches French at Columbia? Me either, until now. I think I’ll swing by there a bit later and see if maybe he wants to go grab some steak frites or something. Ah oui, comme ça… ah oui, comme ça.

  Listen: “100%” [Treasure Fingers Remix] (originally from HERE)

• Justice - Une autre bande Française! These guys are good and all, especially live, which is well exhibited in the tracks from their most recent tour they’ve just released (listen below); however, I maintain that their greatest gift to the world will forever be teaching us all how to do this † with any standard keyboard. On a Mac: hold down option, click the “t”, get †. †††††††††††††††!

  Listen: “Phantom Pt. 1.5″ (Live) (originally from HERE)

• Cut Copy - never has there been a more appropriate name. Highlight that which you’d like to imitate, click cut/copy, paste, and repeat. Cut Copy did just that to the entirety of ’80s new wave - it’s as if they listened to Fred for a year straight and ripped off every third song they heard. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The remix that’s posted below takes away a bit of the bite of the original, smoothing out those edged corners ever so slightly at each turn. I think it’s actually better off for it.

  Listen: “Far Away” (Hercules and Love Affair remix) (originally from HERE)

• Little Joy - this is Fabrizio Moretti’s new band, named after a bar. Coincidentally, the music they make is about as sleepy and bland as the inspiration behind the name. Q: what do you get when you dilute the tiresome music of The Strokes even further? A: shit like this.

  Listen: “Keep Me In Mind” (originally from HERE)

• Lil Wayne - what is it with rappers trying to sing, but insisting on doing so with a vocoder? It’s neither cool, nor able to make your singing voice sound good. Come on Wayne, you got some turbo lyrics, stop trying to sound like Jeff Lynne from ELO. I mean The Alan Parsons Project. Er, Styx… no, late period Madonna/Cher. Wait, you’re right, singing into a vocoder is the coolest. My bad.

  Listen: “Get Silly” (ft. Gudda Gudda) (originally from HERE)

• Jay-Z - yes! Jay-Z! No wait, what’s this? An uninspired song either about having sex with Beyoncé or the recent Presidential election. I’m guessing it’s actually the latter, and in that context it’s not a “terrible” song. But let’s hope that the rest of Blueprint 3 delivers a bit more than this musical Lunesta does or it’s going to take Jay-Z like twenty minutes to sell out The Garden next time. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing…

  Listen: “History” (originally from HERE)

• The Killers - thanks. Thanks a LOT Rock Band for making me like The Killers. I did my best to avoid it for so long and now I’m here waiting on some beautiful boy to save me, just like everyone else. Nothing has changed with their sound - they’re still a ‘white bread with the crusts cut off’ kind of band - the difference is within me. Where I was laughing and making fun before, I’m singing along now. Can’t help it. Here it comes again… “The song maker says, ‘It ain’t so bad,’ the dream maker’s going make you mad. The spaceman says, ‘Everybody look down, it’s all in your mind.’”

  Listen: “Spaceman” (originally from HERE)

• Vampire Weekend - what a couple of years these guys have had since Stereogum “broke” them back in January of ‘07… really though, how awesome is it when a band makes a debut album actually worthy of all of the hype that’s been built up around them? Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Vampire Weekend has been the real deal: great debut, excellent live show. But where do they go from here? My advice: wait three years, have one of your members become an alcoholic that goes out a lot and makes a fool out of himself - perhaps he dates Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson in the process? - only to eventually hit up rehab, and then get the band back together, head into the studio with Brian Eno and lots of mushrooms, and create an entirely revised version of your sound. Do it. Masterpiece. Totally.

  Listen: “The Kids Don’t Stand A Chance” (Chromeo Remix) (originally from HERE)

Listen: “Anyone For Tennis” by Cream from The Very Best Of Cream

View: Image search results for Anyone For Tennis - above image is from the 1st page of results (and was originally from HERE).
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EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss is a weekly feature (every Tuesday) wherein the EF music library is put on shuffle, the song that plays is then searched (using the song title) on Google images and a resulting photo (plus an MP3 of the song) is posted. You can see all of EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss posts thus far right HERE.

above: “Impeach the President” by The Honey Drippers.

“Impeach the President” was a 1973 song written by Roy C. Hammond Read more

Last week we crash-bang-boomed our way through a mixtape that focused on songs that feature percussive/drum intros (listen HERE). In memory of one of rock’s great underrated drummers who passed away this week, Mitch Mitchell (pictured above), we’re back with Volume TWO. Crank up the volume, prep your air drum kits, and grab an umbrella… ‘cos these beats gonna bring the rain. BRING THE PAIN. Hear the drummer get wicked! Read more

“Roundabout” by Yes which clocks in at 8:32.

We few, are we not drawn onward to new era? On a clover, if alive, erupts a vast, pure evil, a fire volcano. Was it Eliot’s toilet I saw? Was it a car or a cat I saw? Was it a rat I saw? Was it a bar or a bat I saw? Do nine men interpret?

“Nine men,” I nod.

“Name now one man!”

“Neil? An alien… UFO tofu.”

“Madam, I’m Adam: no lemons, no melon.”

“Rise, sir lapdog. Revolt! Lover… God… pal… rise, sir.”

“Naomi,” I moan. “I madam, I made radio! So I dared. Am I mad? Am I? Reviled did I live,” said I, as evil I did deliver… “go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog.”

Too bad, I hid a boot. Wontons? Not now.

“Wontons… not now?! Too bad, I hid a boot??”

Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog!

“Reviled did I live,” said I, as evil I did deliver. “I madam, I made radio. So I dared. Am I mad? Am I?!”

“Naomi,” I moan. “Rise, sir lapdog. Revolt!” (Lover, God, pal…) “Rise, sir!” (No lemons, no melon.)

“Madam, I’m Adam.” (UFO tofu? Neil? An alien?)

“Name now one man! Do nine men interpret?”

“Nine men,” I nod.

Was it a bar or a bat I saw? Was it a rat I saw? Was it a car or a cat I saw? Was it Eliot’s toilet I saw? On a clover, if alive, erupts a vast, pure evil: a fire volcano. Are we not drawn onward to new era?

We few…

Buy The Ultimate Yes - 35th Anniversary Collection HERE.

*images from HERE; palindromes from HERE.

EAR FARM’s 8+ is a weekly feature that showcases songs longer than 8 minutes. Click HERE to see the songs recently featured in EF’s 8+.

Traditional thought holds Black Friday – that wretchedly busy shopping day following Thanksgiving – as the de facto kickoff to the holiday shopping season. That’s all fine and well, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get a jump on your gift lists before then. And lest you think the stagnant economy gives you license to unload shoddy gifts on your beloved, the lifestyle police at Consumer Reports have just released their annual “Top 100 Products” to re-emphasize that nothing conveys affection like remortgaging your home for a nice present.

We took a look at many of the top electronics and home and personal accessories on the list and have decided - based on those having busy years in 2008 - which musicians and bands we feel would be most deserving of such niceties. Naughty or nice, coal or cookies, tis’ almost the season… Read more

Listen: “You Will Make It” by Jem from Down to Earth

View: Image search results for You Will Make It - above image is from the 3rd page of results (and was originally from HERE).
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EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss is a weekly feature (every Tuesday) wherein the EF music library is put on shuffle, the song that plays is then searched (using the song title) on Google images and a resulting photo (plus an MP3 of the song) is posted. You can see all of EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss posts thus far right HERE.

It’s been brought to our attention that at times the Countdown selections here at EF perhaps veer a bit too much towards the….unconventional? Arbitrary? Irreverent? Well so be it, that’s just how we roll, and you know what? There are a hell of a lot of other lists gumming up the internet that are just as arbitrary as our attempts at quantifying misguided marketing attempts at co-opting hip-hop culture, using Palintological reasoning to our own advantage, and making some sense of Aerosmith’s eternal relevance.

We consider these other irreverent lists as kindred spirits to our own weekly Countdowns, and to do them proper EF justice we figured we’d do a roundup of the most arbitrary ones from the past month. Yes that’s right, it’s a countdown of a countdown, so let your postmodern freak fly as we bring you our top 8 arbitrary music countdown lists found online (because 10 is too logical and you know, 8 is a special number for us). Look out, it’s about to get meta up in here. Read more

There’s really nothing like a stand-alone solid beat to get a song off on the right foot. It’s a clean slap across the face to get your attention. Here I am, I am drums! As a deliberate affront to building dynamics and creating a mood, drum intros favor hitting you over the head with what you know you really want. It’s like having your dessert before your veggies, and we’re all in favor of that….so much so that we’ve created a mix with songs that all start with an isolated call to arms in the form of cymbal-bashing, skin-pounding, floor-tom-pummeling, snare-snapping goodness (with a few obvious omissions like “Heavy Metal Drummer”). Yes, this is only the tip of the iceberg; we probably could have come up with an entire mix of songs using the same intro as the first three tunes, so consider this a down payment on future drum goodness, and enjoy. Read more

“Sour Smoke” by Comets On Fire which clocks in at 8:47.

Or, an alternate history of the widespread phenomenon known as “guitar face” (based on pure speculation and gross oversimplification).

We all know it….that contorted exaggeration of facial features suggesting anguish, pain, catharsis, existential grief, or - alternately - such devilish bliss some might mistake it for a sign of carnal satisfaction (link pretty much NSFW).

Guitar Face. And isn’t such ambiguity of meaning its entire purpose? The squinted eyes and pursed lips, sweaty recoiling and faux-obliviousness of it all makes us wonder whether it’s a pose struck in pain, pleasure or some twisted combo of the two. Read more

Bumper music is “a term used in the radio broadcasting industry to refer to short clips of music Read more

Listen: “I Want You” by Bob Dylan from Blonde on Blonde

View: Image search results for I Want You - above image is from the 1st page of results (and was originally from HERE).
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EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss is a weekly feature (every Tuesday) wherein the EF music library is put on shuffle, the song that plays is then searched (using the song title) on Google images and a resulting photo (plus an MP3 of the song) is posted. You can see all of EAR FARM’s Hit-or-miss posts thus far right HERE.

When we first heard that The Beatles, MTV Games, and Harmonix are officially teaming up to create an all-new videogame based on the music of the Beatles, well Read more

In honor of Halloween, EAR FARM has a mix for you that includes 18 of the creepiest songs from classic horror movies including Halloween, The Omen, Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, and MORE. Listen to this alone… we DARE you!
Read more