Band: Torche
From: Miami, FL
Sound: Blistering metal that borders on entirely accessible: more smashing than the Pumpkins with tighter-than-Foo melodies
Similar Artists: Melvins, Queens of the Stone Age, Baroness, Jesu, Saviors
Listen Now: “Healer”

Earmuffs!

That fucking lying redcoat limey bitch. “Doors at 7, Clouds at 8, Torche at 9, Boris at 10,” she said, all nice and pretty and English-accented. Might as well have been reading from A Million Little Pieces, the amount of truth there was in the bullshit she fed me.

“Thanks so much!” I was over-eager with my response because of her handsome delivery. I might’ve misheard what she said even. So I asked for clarification, “Sorry, but just to clarify - Torche is on at 9pm?” She looked like a blond Kate Middleton over the phone, in my mind. Future queen material? Definitely. That’s likely because she sounded like Kate Beckinsale at her most loveliest: smart and sweet and smelling of lavender. Over the phone. Yes, I sensed all of this over the phone in mere seconds. And because she also looked like Kate Beckinsale at her most loveliest too (further imagination inspired by sweet talk). Trustworthy? Didn’t cross my mind.

“Yep, that’s it! Torche at nine sharp.”

“Excellent! Thanks again.”

Click.
Clunk.
Flush.

There went my night, right down the pisser. There too went my ‘Torche as Band of the Week’ story, my life, my trust in the goodness and honest nature of people, and any chance I might’ve had to see the show I’ve most been looking forward to since SXSW (lie). All of it flushed right down the fucking pot thanks to that crotch cricket having porkie spewing lady Stephen Glass. Torche at nine sharp? Try Torche on stage at 7:45pm for a forty-five minute set that I’ll miss the entirety of thanks to misinformation. Yeah. Fuck Webster Hall, fuck my previously fair lady, fuck the world, and fuck all the fucking bozos including myself!

Originally I had contacted the band’s PR folks to inquire about arranging something official for this feature. Perhaps a spot on the list, a quick interview and some video/photo coverage… you know, something nice for a band that deserves proper coverage. In my mind it was going to be one hell of a fine article on Torche. The PR dude and the band’s road manager must’ve disagreed. Same goes for Lady Webbie. Now what? Now I’m swearing like a piss drunk sailor angry at having to leave port two days early and I didn’t even get to see the band play a single song (click HERE for coverage from someone who did).

I might take a moment to mention that originally I’d planned to do this feature on the band back in May when they played at the Music Hall of Williamsburg with The Sword. Well… I broke my shoulder and arm and shredded my rotator cuff and got railroad spikes drilled into my arm, so I gave those tickets away and stayed home. Actually, I was going to cover them during CMJ too but I had committed to a DJ appearance that night and couldn’t attend. Two sorely missed opportunities but I was told they slayed both nights - the friends that went in my place were quickly converted into savage Torche fans. And ultimately I got my chance to see the band in Austin in March - it was just enough of a taste to know that I needed more. EAR FARM needed more. We all need more Torche!

After I hung up with Pinocchiona I played it cool. It was 3pm, I had hours to spare. I did some work, charged my camera batteries, picked up a few beers to casually enjoy before my 9:00 show, and played with my cat. That’s not some euphemism, I was actually grooming and playing fetch with my feline roommate. Believe it or not, this venue is mere blocks from where I live so I know just how to roll in there at precisely the right moment. Sometimes. Then again, sometimes they fuck you right in the face those Webster Halligans.

The fuck was I thinking? Looking back it makes perfect sense that she might just rattle off three set times that she’d conjured out of thin air. The timing was too perfect. And even though I know that Webster Hall has bouts of retardedly early start times for concerts, this wasn’t a weekend and I had will call tickets - aka no tickets at all tickets. Therefore, I had no clue what the official time was for any of it and I stupidly trusted the smartypants Brit. I believed her because I wanted to. Dumb American. I didn’t know what I’d done until it was very far beyond too late. A sign posted on the inside door of the venue spelled out the real set times. I saw “Torche 7:45″ and almost puked. Instead I marched directly to the front of the stage where I saw some Japanese dudes putting the finishing touches on setting up their gear. This was 8:40pm; this was Boris. This was me realizing what had happened and trying to control my anger: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Shit fuck piss cocksucker motherfucker cunt tits. Fart. Turd. Twat*.

I could’ve stayed for Boris. I should have. I know it now and I knew it then just like I know (and knew) that the entire timing mishap was my fault. But then also, I couldn’t stay for Boris. I had to swing by the liquor store and grab some gin and Wild Irish Rose (don’t ask why, I don’t know myself, but it seemed appropriate). Then I needed to drink those sonbitches and listen to Meanderthal rrrrreally fucking loudly like fourteen times in a row. It was either that, or go punch the (now) ugly cockney Münchhausen in her lying face for ruining everything I hold near and dear.

I opted for the gin and bum wine and Torche, and that has made all the difference.

Listen:
“Healer”
“In Return”
“Tarpit Carnivore”

See Torche Live: (maybe)
14 July - Lee’s Place w/BORIS Toronto, Ontario
15 July - Tralf w/BORIS Buffalo, New York
16 July - Grog Shop w/BORIS Cleveland, Ohio
17 July - Diesel w/BORIS Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
18 July - St Andrews Hall w/BORIS Detroit, Michigan
19 July - Turner Hall w/BORIS Milwaukee, Wisconsin
20 July - The Empty Bottle w/Nachtmystium Chicago, Illinois
22 July - The Waiting Room w/BORIS Omaha, Nebraska
23 July - Granada Theater w/BORIS Lawrence, Kansas
25 July - Marquis Theater w/BORIS Denver, Colorado
26 July - Urban Lounge w/BORIS Salt Lake City, Utah
29 July - Neumo’s w/BORIS Seattle, Washington
30 July - Richard’s on Richards Cabaret w/BORIS Vancouver, British Columbia
31 July - Hawthorne Theater w/BORIS Portland, Oregon
1 August - Tonic Bar Reno, California
2 August - Great American Music Hall w/BORIS San Francisco, California
3 August - Echoplex w/BORIS Los Angeles, California
6 August - Beauty Bar (Amplify!! Music Conference Festival) Las Vegas, Nevada
9 August - Sluggos w/LAIR OF THE MINOTAUR Pensacola, Florida

Visit Torche on MySpace.

*much respek to Carlin for that string of profanities.
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See the list of bands recently featured as EAR FARM’s Band of the Week HERE.